TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city historically recognized for historic culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be remarkable. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed with the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally away from area. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable water. But Of course, positive, let us have A different spot exactly where American Adult males can use robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: offer Absolutely everyone a set around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is comfortable electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest noted, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It truly is that he need to end making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the venture, replied, "You know, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head seen from space, a feature currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after finding the constructing's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It can be not merely ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Puzzling Capabilities


Probably the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where guests may ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Nearby Syrians are unsure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Come"


The advertisement marketing campaign, lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Forever."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "where's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is already attracting focus from Global buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree will even incorporate:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to view a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel the place my PTSD may have switch-down company."


Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Feelings through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It needed a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

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